7 things you wont read about England in the Lonely Planet Guide
1. Roundabouts and street signs are useless! Now I know I have had several rants in the past about the nightmare in following street signs so I shall not dwell on this. The only additional thing to say is – someone please tell the Highways Agency that unless everyone is driving at the speed of a 70 year old in a mobility scooter (which it seems a lot do), it is bloody useless putting up a sign AFTER you have gone past the intersection.
2. BBC news is crap: Now I know in Oz we get some good BBC documentaries but it seems that somehow this level of professional journalism and excellent reporting is thrown out the 12th floor window of the BBC morning news room. If you could imagine a mix of Delvine Delany meets Benny Hill you may get an idea of what I wake up to. I seem to sit and watch story after story which are either repeats of what was said 10 minutes ago or are so shallow that you couldn’t get wet even if you tried.
3. Renovate or detonate: it seems Jamie Drury has nothing when it comes to the English pre-occupation for TV shows about homes. See if you can guess which shows below are not real:
- Auction Squad
- Homes and Property
- Designer Homes
- Grand Designs
- Homes under the Hammer
- Escape to the country
- Build a New life in the Country
- I want that House
- Selling Houses
- Would you but a house with a Stranger?
- My place in the Sun
- A place in the Sun
- No going back – a new life in Paris
- Moving Day
- Relocation, Relocation
- Designer Disasters
If you guessed any of them you would be wrong. You can't turn on the telly without being told which house in Spain to buy, how tweed is the new design or how the house you live in now is crap compared to these magnificent properties you could never afford to buy. It seems that one common thread in most of them is that everything is better somewhere other than England.
4. No need to Cook – just turn on the TV: It also appears that the only thing more passionate with the English than buying and renovating is cooking. I wont even begin to list the cooking shows here but the celebrity cooks seem to outweigh all the pop stars, actors and actresses combined. But it is obvious that the shows are not designed for people to actually repeat what is being cooked. They are designed to lull the population in to thinking that all you have to do is sit on the fat ass and watch other people cook healthy food while you tuck in to your deep fried fish and chips. Obesity seems to have a good strangle hold and with long cold winters I can see why.
5. Teenage Pregnancy: Now I don’t want to make light of what is a real serious issue, particularly in Weymouth. It is common to walk in to town and be confronted by a constant stream of teenage mums pushing strollers. I know they talk about the struggles of small communities creating good employment and the need to keep the youth occupied but it is clear that something needs to be done. May be they could get them involved in renovating or cooking?
6. Football hooligans – player wimps: Watching the rugby recently I couldn’t get over the brutality that these players succumb to yet still manage to pick them selves up of the turf and keep going. “You’ll be right mate, its only a broken leg, get up and kick that ball”, “No that’s not blood, it is just a bit of your lung been forced out through your nostril - now go get-em”.
At the opposite extreme we have English football. There must be a well know acting class that they all go to as the response is often the same. The player starts by first jerking his head back like the image of JFK being shot in the head. Then he throws himself first up, then down, then collapses to the ground holding his head with one hand, his shin with the other. He then proceeds to roll around until such time as 4 men run out with a stretcher, or in extreme diving cases a coffin. The level of rapid recovery is often a medical miracle and is proportional to the time it takes to blow a whistle.
And so with all the acting that goes on, on the field, it escapes me why there continues to be such a level of cave men attitude when it comes to the spectators.
7. England sucks in the rain: And I suppose some of you might be thinking what got me on this rant in the first place. Well it really started this weekend when I left Kathy and the twins at home and Adelaide and I decided to head off to the Cotswolds for the weekend. The plan was to visit Oxford and look at the lovely old University buildings, then make our way through many of the small towns that lie within the undulating hills of the Cots. While the postcards show picture perfect scenery they don’t seem to have that same quaint, appealing charm about them when it is driving rain and 5 deg C. There should be some warning placed on Lonely Planet Guides saying "sorry - please ignore all previous information about how plesant these places are if there is any sign of rain"
2. BBC news is crap: Now I know in Oz we get some good BBC documentaries but it seems that somehow this level of professional journalism and excellent reporting is thrown out the 12th floor window of the BBC morning news room. If you could imagine a mix of Delvine Delany meets Benny Hill you may get an idea of what I wake up to. I seem to sit and watch story after story which are either repeats of what was said 10 minutes ago or are so shallow that you couldn’t get wet even if you tried.
3. Renovate or detonate: it seems Jamie Drury has nothing when it comes to the English pre-occupation for TV shows about homes. See if you can guess which shows below are not real:
- Auction Squad
- Homes and Property
- Designer Homes
- Grand Designs
- Homes under the Hammer
- Escape to the country
- Build a New life in the Country
- I want that House
- Selling Houses
- Would you but a house with a Stranger?
- My place in the Sun
- A place in the Sun
- No going back – a new life in Paris
- Moving Day
- Relocation, Relocation
- Designer Disasters
If you guessed any of them you would be wrong. You can't turn on the telly without being told which house in Spain to buy, how tweed is the new design or how the house you live in now is crap compared to these magnificent properties you could never afford to buy. It seems that one common thread in most of them is that everything is better somewhere other than England.
4. No need to Cook – just turn on the TV: It also appears that the only thing more passionate with the English than buying and renovating is cooking. I wont even begin to list the cooking shows here but the celebrity cooks seem to outweigh all the pop stars, actors and actresses combined. But it is obvious that the shows are not designed for people to actually repeat what is being cooked. They are designed to lull the population in to thinking that all you have to do is sit on the fat ass and watch other people cook healthy food while you tuck in to your deep fried fish and chips. Obesity seems to have a good strangle hold and with long cold winters I can see why.
5. Teenage Pregnancy: Now I don’t want to make light of what is a real serious issue, particularly in Weymouth. It is common to walk in to town and be confronted by a constant stream of teenage mums pushing strollers. I know they talk about the struggles of small communities creating good employment and the need to keep the youth occupied but it is clear that something needs to be done. May be they could get them involved in renovating or cooking?
6. Football hooligans – player wimps: Watching the rugby recently I couldn’t get over the brutality that these players succumb to yet still manage to pick them selves up of the turf and keep going. “You’ll be right mate, its only a broken leg, get up and kick that ball”, “No that’s not blood, it is just a bit of your lung been forced out through your nostril - now go get-em”.
At the opposite extreme we have English football. There must be a well know acting class that they all go to as the response is often the same. The player starts by first jerking his head back like the image of JFK being shot in the head. Then he throws himself first up, then down, then collapses to the ground holding his head with one hand, his shin with the other. He then proceeds to roll around until such time as 4 men run out with a stretcher, or in extreme diving cases a coffin. The level of rapid recovery is often a medical miracle and is proportional to the time it takes to blow a whistle.
And so with all the acting that goes on, on the field, it escapes me why there continues to be such a level of cave men attitude when it comes to the spectators.
7. England sucks in the rain: And I suppose some of you might be thinking what got me on this rant in the first place. Well it really started this weekend when I left Kathy and the twins at home and Adelaide and I decided to head off to the Cotswolds for the weekend. The plan was to visit Oxford and look at the lovely old University buildings, then make our way through many of the small towns that lie within the undulating hills of the Cots. While the postcards show picture perfect scenery they don’t seem to have that same quaint, appealing charm about them when it is driving rain and 5 deg C. There should be some warning placed on Lonely Planet Guides saying "sorry - please ignore all previous information about how plesant these places are if there is any sign of rain"
We did our best to not let the torrential downpour flush away our spirits and still managed a quick dash around Oxford, Blenheim Palace (a monumentally large country house and the birthplace of Winston Churchill) and a scurry through the twee countryside that make this area so famous. While Adelaide lost interest after pneumonia set in, in a bizarre, been there mentality, I am glad we went.
In the end, with rain like that it is easy to see why people want to buy a house overseas, eat themselves to death on fatty food, get pregnant or take it all out on the football fans next to them.
In the end, with rain like that it is easy to see why people want to buy a house overseas, eat themselves to death on fatty food, get pregnant or take it all out on the football fans next to them.
4 comments:
You know the really sad thing about point 3 Jim is that most of those shows are on TV here!!!!!
James you been away so long that if you changed a few words here and there you have a pretty good description of life in Sydney.
1. Have you ever tried to follow road signs in Sydney?
2. Err news on 7, 9 and 10. If you think BBC Breakfast news is crap then try 7 or 9's version!
3. You're watching too much cable tb get down the pub now - that's why there are so many. You can catch the repeats or copy-cat versions of those great shows you list when you get back.
4. Err Huey's Cooking Adventures now there's a star who can cook! Obesity - I think Australia has more doenut shops than the UK has pubs now that's a lot. And where are the footpaths here and I forgot you don't need them because you have to (want to) drive away, like the gym. Heck why not strap the bike to car then drive the local park to ride. Wouldn't want to ride it, too unsafe with all those cars!
5. Westfield
6. Football around the world is passionate which sometimes get a out of hand in some countries. But the fans don't murder the refs like they do in South America. The actting is for when they switch careers to TV presenters. As the football in Australia, they don't call it thugby league for nothing!
7. Aussies just love moaning about the weather as much as the English. The number of times I've heard it's too cold when it was 10 degrees last night. Try some heating and insultation in your house - it's pretty amazing stuff. The you have the it's too hot - well if you do insist on living in AC all summer it will but hot outside compare to the ice box inside. Not forgetting all that power used to create the AC contributes to green houses gases which make it err hotter. I love the heat, better than the cold and damp of the UK. Enjoy winter James!
Have you been to Monkey World, in Wool, yet? Bit like Canberra, kids will love it.
Thanks Dave,
may be you have convinced me not to come home??
James
ps: remind me again why you left all this to be back in Sydney
You've been there too long James. You've turned in to a Whingeing Pom!
Speak soon
Alex
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